montyfood

What? So soon? Can it really be that time of year when Europe engages in its annual Battle of the Pop Songs that is the unparalleled Eurovision Song Contest? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, my post from last year might help, or failing that try the factgasm that is wiki-wiki-wiki-pedia. A gazillion eyes across the continent, nay the world, will be focussed on the events in Belgrade tonight. (You can watch online at the official ESC website, so even non-Europeans can marvel at the spectacle.) I think it's only fair that I give you some warning about what you might see.

This year has seen a notable change in proceedings in that there have been two semi-finals, partly it seems in order to get through the ever-increasing number of allegedly European countries gagging to compete (this year saw the debut of San Marino - where the hell's that?), and also so that voting for neighbours could be whittled down a little (for example, British viewers couldn't vote for Ireland in Tuesday's semi). However, with the qualifiers out of the way, tonight's final still comprises a staggering twenty-five contenders. Thank the musical gods that all the songs have to be under three minutes long.

So here's the rundown: Romania's Nico and Vlad (I have no idea whether he's a vampire or not, if he is he's certainly a very handsome one) will kick off with some faux-operatic pop balladry, the sort of thing that could do well across a wide demographic. Trouble is, being the first out the gate can work against you by the time viewers have got to the end and the voting begins. Next up is the United Kingdom's Andy Abrahams, already a runner-up in another TV talent show (The X Factor), with a sub-Hot-Chocolate girls-night-out disco stomper. Unlike his look-and-soundalike Errol, I don't believe in miracles. Albania in third, with a 16-yr-old girl showing a cheeky belly button display under her napoleonic militaristic garb. For me the song was trying hard to be a power ballad but could do with a steroid injection. Germany's entry from a female quartet called No Angels (are they admitting they're actually sluts?) is a driving throbbing tune that feels like a 21st century Bangles track. I quite like it but can't see it doing better than the top ten. Armenia are fielding some catchy beat-driven shenanigans which has the potential to do well with those who like their pop tinged with eastern flavour. Plus the singer Sirusho is the sort of sultry maiden to raise the temperature a little.

Bosnia & Herzegovina are next with a bonkers duo who look like the offspring of Spark's Ron Mael and Björk. When the BBC's Paddy O'Connell interviewed Laka, one half of the couple, the other night he looked like a heroin-addled bohemian poet. The tune isn't too bad but not likely to win enough votes to go far. To the holy land next with Boaz, an Israeli beefcake who is probably a gay icon for all I know, he certainly looks the part. Apparently the local Pop Idol winner, his rather ploddy song is co-written by previous winner Dana International - remember him/her? Finland bring back the rawk with their song, but it's hard not to feel this Lordi-esque offering doesn't live up to the standards of the last Finnish victor. Less Kiss glam-rock and more Judas Priest topless leathery-panted wailing and, unlike Lordi, sung in rolling guttural Finnish, it sounds like the sort of thing you'd find on a norse god's iPod. Devil horns aloft during the guitar solo everyone! Croatia's performance in their semi-final was a Gotan-Project-ish gypsy fedora outbreak and I think I saw the pale spectre of dead jazz entertainer Humphrey Lyttleton rapping before being assaulted by a blood-bottle-bashing dancer. You couldn't make this stuff up. Tenth on the bill is Poland who have a strange plastic woman called Isis Gee with brilliant white teeth, orange fake-tan skin and bottle-blonde hair. The song isn't half as crafted as she is being a dreary ballad that has a poor chance of succeeding. You can usually rely on Iceland for some pop smarts (the controversial ejection of the brilliant Sylvia Nott in 2006 still upsets me), and sure enough the generically-named Euroband bring a scintillating slab of banging eurotechno pop all about beloved long-running TV show format, This Is Your Life. Or something. Don't miss the YouTube ironic video as well.

A song from Turkey called Deli seems to be crying out for a weak gag. But I'm not the one to make it. The band are long-established Turkish rock band but the song is fairly pedestrian pop-rock by numbers. Portugal have opted for sending a Demis-Roussos-tented women to Belgrade on their behalf. She wafts over an accordion and pizzicato verse before a big chorus that tries to soar but really only rides the thermals of the bombastic military rhythm that underpins the track. Another of this year's “wacky” entries comes from Latvia whose pirates song only reminds me of the identically-themed but infinitely better song in the colour-saturated hyperreal kids show, Lazy Town (from Iceland no less). Straight to Nick Jr for this one, I'm afraid. Sweden's pneumatic Charlotte Perrelli returns nine years after winning, in an attempt to restore Eurovision glory to the land of Abba with a song called Hero. Bookmakers won't give you very good odds on this one as its apparently a favourite, but my money is elsewhere as I find the Bjorn and Benny stylings of this track a bit dated. The lady wins my award for most impressive forehead and eyebrow combo in the contest though. Fellow scandinavians Denmark have a curiously English-named artist called Simon Mathew whose song, All Night Long, is a 70s-style strumalong with waistcoats and caps. It's like something The Feeling might write on an average day, but I can't help thinking they'd do it a hundred times better. Needs some Gillespie magic pixie dust.

Georgia's track is an anthemic peace chant sung by a raven-haired young blind lady in oversized dark glasses. I really want to like this one but it reminds me too much of another pop track which I can't quite put my finger on. Nevertheless I'm reckoning this will make the top five when the results are in - it has all the right ingredients: disabled artist, hippy anti-war sentiment, strident chorus. To Ukraine now, who over the last two years, have blown me away with their almost perfect grasp of pop genius. 2006's Tina Karol and 2007's Verka Seduchka were both addictive tunes with more hooks than a school cloakroom. This year's entrant, Ani Lorak, is a slinky young woman who calls herself a Shady Lady over an arrangement of almost perfect pop synthery. The song is good but not as devastating as previous year's entries. It'll probably do well but not well enough to take the final to Kiev next year, I feel. Ani Lorak is allegedly Karolina spelt backwards, but I notice it is also only one letter short of an anagram of Tina Karol. My hunch is Ukraine is producing exquisitely tooled (ahem) pop fembots, each one based on the blueprint of the previous generation. Total out-there prediction: next year's entry from Ukraine will be utterly fantastic and win by miles. You heard it here first.

France have called on their pedigree of leftfield artistry and found the marvellous Sébastien Tellier willing to step up to the plate. Tellier, for the uninitiated, looks like a character from a Wes Anderson movie but writes sublime music: Divine is no exception, with a great video to boot. Unfortunately it's a kind of sublime that will be lost on Eurovision voters, I believe, so don't expect a Paris final next year. A mon avis, France could revolutionise the ESC if they got Daft Punk to have a go. It'll never happen but Tellier is a step in the right direction. It's Azerbaijan's Eurovision debut this year. Their offering is, according to my scratchy notes, “mad angel wings, spray-on silver hair, average rock pop but bonus points for screeching and laughing”. Good first effort: try harder next year. Kalimera Greece! Or should that be Kalomira, the name of the NYC-born Greek chick whose ionian-seasoned RnB pop track Secret Combination seems like a surefire hit to me. Top five, surely? Spain go for the wacky angle this year, finding their entrant Rodolfo Chikilicuatre via a MySpace competition. The amusing but tedious raggaeton-lite number Baila El Chiki Chiki just doesn't manage to sustain itself over even three minutes which is a shame because I just love the spindly-man-with-Elvis-hairpiece-glasses-and-sideburns look that Rodolfo has going on here.

Host country Serbia have a sort of balkan Riverdance folksy number that is big on emotion and penny whistles. This sort of middle-of-the-road semi-traditional fare can go down well with older viewers, and being late in the line-up will, I think, help Serbia to pick up more votes than their Romanian cousins. Penulitmate performer Dima Bilan from Russia represented his country in 2006 when his performance was the only one to have a figure emerging from a piano like the stomach-burst in Alien (but without the blood). This year he is orbited by a violinist and a skatey dancer as he croons over the bump'n'grind beat of Believe. For his upcoming album he has recorded with Timbaland and Nelly Furtado and his manager has also worked with t.A.T.u. His industry connections speak of an artist who might just make it internationally, but this track is too prosaic to catch the imagination of the voting denizens of Europe, I aver. Last up on stage tonight will be Norway. Maria has a history of performing that takes in musical theatre and the norwegian Pop Idol. She sounds like she has a great voice but, for me, the insistent-but-never-quite-taking-off tune Hold On Be Strong lets her down.

And that's it. My guess for top slot: Greece, Armenia or Georgia. But, as per last year, the slow-burning Romanian/Serbian ballads may conquer all. All will be revealed in the next few hours.

[UPDATE: My stated aversion of Mr Bilan was misplaced it seems as huge swathes of Europe fell in love with his fake American r'n'b crooning. Still, Greece and Armenia's sexy solo females did as well as I hoped. Once again the lesson to be learned is that we Brits are literally miles away from spotting the dominant cultural trends. We need to field a Kylie-esque funky strumpet rather than a fortysomething soul brother if we want to do any better than gracing the bum end of the leader board.]

[UPDATE UPDATE: Thanks to the power of Midomi, a website powered by witchcraft that helps you identify songs just by singing them, I have finally tracked down the song that Georgia's "Peace Will Come" reminded me of. It's "Wake Up Call" by Maroon 5. I can only imagine incensed Maroon 5 fans across Europe mobilised, resulting in Miss Gurtskaya not even making the top ten.]