Although we Brits are legally allowed to call ourselves European, we all know deep down that we're pretty crap Europeans if we are any at all. Our deep-seated island-dwelling xenophobia causes us to despise and deride anyone other than our own ilk. Which is probably why we suck at Eurovision. Bemused transatlantic onlookers probably can't begin to fathom this annual contest to find a pan-European pop song - it is in itself so very European. But nevertheless despite winning it a few times we still have no idea how to win it. Exhibit A, this year's British entry to the contest.Scooch's song, Flying the Flag, is a cheesy Stock, Aitken and Waterman reject of a euro-pap song that is going to get slaughtered at Helsinki (the venue for this year's spectacle - the winning country of the previous year acts as host the following year). Scooch say they are bringing pop back to Eurovision. What they are actually bringing back to mind is everything that is wrong about the British view of Eurovision. The song is camp with a capital C, laced with tired 1970s Carry-On-movie innuedos, set to a undanceable pop house backbeat, and above all it's a terrible terrible pop song (by far it's biggest crime). Now I know this is open for debate, but on the whole Eurovision winners have actually tended to be very good pop songs. And I include last year's Finnish winners Lordi in this. For all their "heavy metal" pantomime, Hard Rock Hallelujah was quite simply a brilliantly catchy pop song, the kind Destroyer-era Kiss would have been proud to perform.
But what made the whole thing worse was watching the alternatives to Scooch on the BBC TV show which gives the British public the casting vote on who represents the nation at the event. From the faux-r&b of Big Brovaz to a frankly bizarre Scissor-Sisters-esque collab featuring Justin from The Darkness, they were all really bad songs. I'm not saying Scooch was the best of a very bad bunch, but in fact I think I am saying Scooch was the best of a very bad bunch. If it wasn't for the fact the current British pop charts have some good pop tunes floating among the turds, it would make me despair at the state of popsongsmithery in the UK.
The whole thing made me look back to my youth when a brilliant pop song was rejected as our Euro entry that year. It was 1982 and the song was Dancing in Heaven [download 12" extended version]. The artists went by the name Q-Feel and never really amounted to much which in retrospect was a great shame. Dancing in Heaven was a brilliantly catchy 80s pop track, perhaps even too good for the likes of Eurovision. Stylistically, it sounded incredibly current, being a blend of the best of Kajagoogoo, Duran Duran, and Go West - in fact one of the writers, Martin Bell, Q-Feel's frontman, went on to write with Go West among others; he co-wrote Starship's pop anthem We Built This City as well. Dancing... was rejected by the uneducated masses of the nation in favour of a terrible piece of Scooch-like shite One Step Further by a band called Bardo, none of whom went on to write anything poptastic. Dancing... was released as a single which I proudly rushed out and bought, and later Q-Feel fielded a debut album which was essentially overlooked, even though it was a well-written and well-produced LP of 80s new wave synthy pop.
Still, back to this year, a very disheartening array of eastern european semi-finalists have made the grade for the final tomorrow night. And checking out the other finalists on the official Eurovision site, I was beginning to think this year's spectacle wouldn't compare with the 2006 contest. (Last year's leftfield self-congratulatory attempts by both Sylvia Nott of Iceland (home of Lazy Town and Bjork) and LT United of Lithuania (home of... er, LT United) were both insanely good pop songs with performances to match.) But then I came across the Russian and Ukrainian entries.
Serebro are something approaching a Russian Sugababes, but they're better looking, and the song (Song #1) is awesomely good pop slop. Tight production values, a sizzling video and frankly the raunchiest lyrics I think I've ever heard at Eurovision.
Ukraine last year fielded Tina Karol (a sort of Balkan Aguilera) and the catchy Show Me Your Love. Unfortunately it only won them seventh place and a guaranteed place in the 07 final. But this year could be their year - that is, if the rest of Europe gets the humour of Verka Serduchka. Coming across like the bastard offspring of Borat and Benny Hill, the tune Dancing Lasha Tumbai is a totally bonkers ditty with an accordion riff that hooks you in like a fish on a line 'til you're flapping madly on the deck to the incessant synthy eurobeat backing. The lyrics don't match the raunch of the Russian trio but this video has plenty of nudity. Let's see if they try and recreate that on stage in Helsinki!
If I'm going to make a prediction, I think Scooch will get shafted (not even top ten, methinks) and I'm hoping that the final will be coming from either Kiev or Moscow next year. Though there's every possibility that strange looking Serbian lady or those behatted tenors from Latvia will claim the crown for the middle of the road.
[UPDATE: Montyswami was pretty prescient: Scooch came an abysmal joint second-from-last with France - only Ireland were worse; Ukraine and Russia came second and third respectively; and - damn it all - that chubby kd lang lookalike from Serbia nabbed the crown. Though I was chuffed to see Verka Serduchka's insane song nearly reached the Top Ten on UK iTunes downloads, and ended up at 28 on the Official UK Singles Chart the week after the contest. Though it bombed straight out the Top 40 seven days later, natch. Perhaps if we fielded a song more like that next year we might get somewhere.]
Posts
